Let Go

Let go not because it hurts

But because it is not worth it

Don't hold because you want it

Let go, there is something better

Let go, because if it is love

You would be happy

Let go, for if it is meant to be

It will be

Let go, for if they should stay

You will not beg

Every feeling should be reciprocated

If it is not let go!

Let go because you deserve to be happy

And life has so much to give

Let go because past is over

Walk ahead because life is happening

See through, happiness is right here

Let go, so you can live in peace

Let go because there are people who love you! J

Hope and hurt

Living in a life of dream
I hope for everything to come true
Hard it is to know the truth
Not everything I see are real
I try so hard to get rid of the hope
I cannot take the hurt anymore
How do I put in words?
Black and white is not what I need
It stings me like thorn
It rips my heart apart

I try to walk away
restrained by a strong gravity
love is what keeps my life going
but how hard it is to be hurt in love
Being hit on and on, soon enough
before the first tear hits the ground
Maybe it is not meant to be
but does it harm not to hurt?
Maybe someday you might understand
truth is not what I want all the time
Maybe I will be far gone by then
Maybe out of your life or out of my own
I try to be me, I am trying not to express

I really deserve a little more than what I get now
Your words hit my head like a hammer
I stay silent most of the time
coz I don't want to see you walk away
I treasure your presence in my life
You are one of the best things that happened to me

But You have broken my heart a million times already
yet I pick those pieces and give them to you
It is not because I love you
but because I know it will be safe with you
For hope is all I have and hurt is all you give!
Not sure how long I can resist with this
I try to give myself the strength
The strength to smile when you hurt me the next time
The strength to stay with you,
when you want to be with someone else!

Forever!

You are like a favourite song

Drizzles during the rainy days

A cold breeze during summer

The fresh smell of a new book

Like the sea on a full moon day

You are my sunshine and daylight

Your voice is my daily dose of vitamin

You are the beat of my heart

You are a drug that gives ecstasy

You are my life, you make me smile

My world revolves around you

The thought that you are there

Gives me peace as the day ends

I don’t want to lose you

The mundane bores me

But I want this forever

I cannot think of a world beyond this

It gives me happiness, it gives me pain

If it doesn’t last, I recite a prayer

Give me the strength to move on

I know happiness will be far by then

But give me the strength to live

And then comes the usual secret one

I want this forever, I want this to last!

Being a grown up

When I was a kid I always wanted to grow up and go to office like my parents. I craved to be independent. I was such a good child that I never demanded anything from my parents, I would tell myself that I will grow up and buy these things with my own money (Yes, I never miss a chance to brag about myself). I did buy them for my own hard earned money.

So I have a thing for my birthday and everybody else’s. I love to be surprised on my birthday and more than that I love to surprise the people I love on my birthday. So I would expect my friends, colleagues and anybody who tells me about the birthday of their loved ones to be like me. When they come and tell me about that I will get all excited and start giving them tips on how they can surprise them.

Now, with my birthday just a week away I am not even excited about it. I feel so numb and lifeless. Normally, this is not how I used to be before my birthday. Well I have nobody to blame but myself I love getting upset over the silliest thing in the world. I am feeling low because all my closest friends are too faaaaar away from me and the one here is also leaving to her native on my birthday. Grrrr!! So with whom will I celebrate my birthday? L I was telling my mom that maybe it’s because I am getting older and got mature that I don’t feel the excitement or maybe my friends are planning something secret (Which is not possible at all, I mean they are so far away from me. That option is nullified). Then, I declared her that I am not going to expect anything for this birthday then maybe something really nice might happen. She called my theory ridiculously lame and it proves that I am not even close to growing up and being mature. Well, ok I know that myself!

Finally, I ranted enough about not feeling great about my birthday. I can get to the topic. So not grown up to my age you know… well! I think is my problem most of the times or maybe all the time. I am having a serious problem now. No not the birthday problem. Growing up means being responsible, taking responsibilities, handling stress, balancing life and many such big words. Wait, what? Was I dreaming to lead such a burdensome life! :O This has actually become a reason that I don’t want my birthday to come. Every year I keep growing up and I think at a point I am forced to do all of the horrible things I have mentioned above. I love balloons, blowing bubbles, eat cotton candy do you really need an age to do the things you love? I think no, but once when I told my mom that I want a balloon one of my closest relative who was with us, the person I love said grow up and behave your age! I kept quiet. I felt bad, if growing up means stop doing the things you love I don’t want to grow up ever!

Then comes the work pressure you cannot be a fresher forever, can you? So you do things that you are not really comfortable with. The first difficult thing for me is to differentiate personal and professional relationship. I mean how can a person who is a good friend in your personal life become a stranger when it comes to profession? L I want to grow up the ladder and become a manager one day (seriously, I love people management such a beautiful thing) but then one of my friends told me, if you want to lead a team you will not have friends. Why should things be this way? But then you have to sacrifice things to move ahead in life. But then working even during the weekends! Horrible nightmare and I am not sacrificing my life for a position!

So these are the thoughts that ponder my mind as I grow old by a year next week! Unfortunately, I think a lot and this is only adding up to the misery.

My Favourite quote from Grey's Anatomy :)

Does age really matter?

Should I have to be a 9 year old to eat cotton candies and lolly pops or buy a balloon or blows soap bubbles?

Should I lose my friends for work? Can I not have friends at work if I should grow up the ladder?

Should I not do stupid, silly things because I am grown up?

What’s wrong if I wear clothes that don’t fit my age? I am comfortable in it!

Can I not act like a kid and pour the juice on my dress or smudge the ice cream all over my face as I eat it?

Should I give up my weekend and family because my manager thinks I should work and my performance is more important?

Am I not responsible if I buy a high end phone and spend money lavishly?

Am I stupid and irresponsible if I travel miles just to spend time with my friends?

Am I selfish and cruel to my parents if I think that I am not ready for marriage yet?

Precisely, should I stop doing the things I love because the world continuously judges me for everything I do and not live my life? I don’t think so.

So here’s the thing, I am grown up and I am getting older every single second so are you! I don’t care what you do in your life and I don’t care what you think about me. I will be the same even after 20 years. I will be irresponsible, stupid and crazy. I know I will have a person who will be equally crazy with me but with a teeny bit of responsibility! I will always have the set of people who will never ever judge me, they are my people. I don’t try to impress them. They don’t try to impress me. We are just us.

As my birthday approaches, here’s to being a grown up! You suck but I don’t care! No matter how much I screw up my career, what people think of me I will not grow up. I will still whine like a kid and ask for balloons with my eyes wide open! Because I love being me!

Innocence is bliss!

I love kids and I am really good around them. I play with them, talk to them and sometimes carry them or hold their hands and walk in my street showing them the crows, street dogs, cows. I also show them the vehicles that pass by just to see that bewildered ‘What just passed me so fast?’ look. Honestly, there was a time when I was not good with kids. I enjoy them from a distance but when they are left to my care I am a disaster. I don’t know to talk to them in their language. So if you have left your kid to me an hour before, when you come back we would be minding our own businesses. I have been sad about not able to gel with them as good as my mother. My mother, she is a very amazing person (although we have a lot of differences, if there is a trouble she will be the first person I will be looking for) she was the one who taught me how to talk to kids and play with them. Fortunately, there are a lot of kids (about the age of 1 and below) in my neighbourhood and most of them are always in my house. They love my mom and she would force them to play with me. She would dump the kid to me and run to the kitchen. Initially, we blink but later we wouldn’t have a choice. We will start exchanging looks, then toys and finally we would be playing like the best friends in the whole world.

Now, kids come home to spend time with me too. They ask for me to my mom if they can speak or they come to my room crawling searching for me. When I see them smile at me I forget the world! I stop whatever I do and start playing with them. Recently, there is this darling who came to my house. My mother can sense kids even from a kilometer away (Well, in a good sense of course! Don’t mistake her). So she picked this cutie pie who lives in a house opposite to my apartment. The first time she came to my house was, if I vaguely remember was in October 2012. She was only 8 months old then. With her big round eyes looking around the house she had just entered she was clinging on to my mom and staring at the huge cabinet full of collectibles and soft toys. I smiled as soon as I saw her. Apparently, she did not! We have a chandelier in our living room so my mom – the expert asked me to switch that on which I promptly did. The moment the light from the lamp filled the room she looked up surprised and smiled at the lamp. Ah! Such bliss that smile! I switched it off. She immediately looked down to see me. I went closer to her and extended my arms and she just pounced on me and saw the chandelier again. I cannot take my eyes off this little cutie and from then till this date she spends a good 4 – 5 hours in my house playing with me. She prefers a lot to be with my mom though.

Last month, she turned 1 and her laughs and toddler talks fill my house. She started taking baby steps and of course holding my hands we walk the length and breadth of the apartment. I keep admiring her. She tries to run when she sees the other kids in the apartment run which right now is huge for her. She does get upset over it at times when I lift and throw her in the air. When she comes back down she is full of smiles. I do it numerous times to see her beautiful innocent smile.

Yesterday, she left to her native and my mom is missing her more than anybody. It was a sudden plan and she would be returning only after a month L On the day she left we brought her home at night. I tricked her into showing a crow (at night, well that’s why I love kids they believe whatever I say!) and made her come to me from her mom. I carried her back home and the moment she entered the main gates of my apartment she was squealing and laughing. She was so delighted to see my mom, they are such best friends I tell you! Both of them were playing to their hearts content in the next few seconds. After an hour, we had to leave her back home. She was not ready to let go off my mom she cried very badly that my mom had to dodge her. She loves crows for reasons nobody knows! So my mom tricked her into showing a crow, hid behind the compound wall and ran away. She stopped crying immediately and her mother took her in.

Everytime she smiles, laughs and plays I see a beautiful innocence in it. The innocence we lost ages back. And I wish maybe someday all of us could be like these kids live for this moment and not worry about the future. Who cares what it holds for us, let it unfold when it is supposed to! I wish that we regain that beautiful innocence J